my reeling brainz.

Wow, my last post was over seven months ago? Dang. Every time I re-read posts, I get this urge to update my blog and yet I can’t wrap my head around what’s happening in my life. Also, every time I log into my WordPress, I check my spammy comments. Today’s count? 97,000. Word to the wise: just email or text me if you have a comment about today’s post because there’s no way that I’ll ever receive it here.

Okay, enough of this ^. This post won’t even attempt to wrap my head around anything. Just the thoughts of my fickle heart, and a reeling brainz.

I quit my full time job on August 31, 2014.
That was the second time in my life that I quit a job voluntarily.
I am opening a coffee shop. In two weeks. Hopefully.
I am overwhelmed & jazzed. It is already a beautiful space.

From September 1, 2014 through today (February 16, 2015), I have focused on rest, taking care of myself, and mending/cherishing relationships.

I’ve learned to lean into God. Wholly and truly.
He has shown me grace over and over and over again.
He is good, despite my wandering heart and temporary circumstances.
He is good.

Community has shown up in real and tangible and unforgettable ways.
I feel lifted up, encouraged, blessed, motivated, inspired.
We are truly meant to live in community.
As anti-social as I allow myself to be, I know in my heart of hearts that community is good.

God is good. I got to go to church again. It was a weird readjustment, but I am thankful that I actually have the time and opportunity to attend a worship service on the Sabbath. What a rare and missed gift.

In addition to the Sabbath, I cherished weekends during my time off. Weekends when friends were actually available to hang out. Weekends when I wasn’t exhausted. Again, what a rare gift that we so take advantage of.

My old boss told me a few weeks ago that I’ll learn a lot about myself professionally but also personally as I start my own business. That makes me excited, overwhelmed, scared…but mostly excited.

It feels very surreal to be at this point in my life.

I have never been so money-stressed in my life.

But at the same time, I have never felt this much gratitude and love. I’ve been shown much apparent grace and favor…how could I not be thankful?

“…this happened so that the works of God might be displayed in him.” John 9:3
May that be true…may that be true.

unfriending.

I always feel a sting of pain when someone “unfriends” me on Facebook or unfollows me on Instagram. And then, I think, I’m being true and honest and myself and this is what I want to share about myself to my community. If you don’t want that, I shouldn’t care.

I feel silly, but we live in a social media-driven world. It’s a weird psychological reality people have to deal with now…that someone can and will stop virtually being your friend. Strange, but true.

On a completely different note, my spammy comments have skyrocketed to 30,000+. YAY.

I am on the verge of approaching a very new chapter of my life. I’m scared. I’m excited.

Here I go.

tiny unicorn tears.

A quick story about that fave little customer I mentioned two blog posts ago:

Yesterday, she had a stuffed animal fox with her (appropriately named Foxy). She started manually wagging Foxy’s tail, and I asked her, “So when does Foxy wag his tail?”

“…when he sees YOU!”

I melted. And my heart cried tiny unicorn tears.

lip sync battles.

Have y’all seen the lip sync battles on Jimmy Fallon’s shows? Dude. I just love them. Finally a fun & lighthearted post just because these videos are fun. (Side note: I would totes be friends with Stephen Merchant and Paul Rudd. Seriously. And even though Joseph Gordon-Levitt is awkward here…I still have a crush on him.)

heartsplosion.

Hi blogosphere.

First post of 2014 and it’s kind of a downer, kind of not. Last time I came to check this blog out, my spammy comments were at 1,500. PSHHHHHH, not even worried about that number anymore. Try 18,000.

My heart’s been heavy as of late — so much so that it feels like it’s going to explode. It’s been whirlwind after whirlwind for the past twelve months. Growing up / being an adult / being responsible / figuring out life / figuring out myself…I guess it just doesn’t stop. My relationships have suffered because of major life decisions in the past year, and I feel a guilt weigh upon my shoulders. And yet, I don’t feel like that guilt is necessary. Giving myself space and giving others space is a steep learning curve, and I hope there’s forgiveness in that space.

Heartsplosion.

Yet, I can’t help but be blessed by the little (big) moments. Today as I was stewing in my complaints (and trust, today was a ginormous struggle), one of my favorite little customers burst in unannounced to wish me a Happy Valentine’s Day and to give me a gift. It was truly, truly sweet and brightened my otherwise crappy day. And no, it’s not crappy because it’s VDay. Not even one bit.

Happy Valentine’s Day, world. Spread a little love, be a little kinder. The world needs more of that.

a conscious decision to be joyful.

It’s too easy to complain. But let me complain really quickly: it’s been a shitastic past month, not gonna lie. But I’m always reminded during these not-so-great times that it’s okay to not be okay.

Since it’s so easy to complain, I’ve made a conscious decision to be joyful today. It’s not easy living a grace-driven life, but that’s what I’m called to do. I’m really thankful that some of my regular customers at work give me little gifts of grace that break up my week. Here are a couple of Facebook statuses that I’ve put up lately…I hope these instances encourage you as much as they’ve encouraged me:

“um favorite: my fave french grandpa customer just told me gratuitous & wise life advice:

‘grab every moment. grab what life gives you. if you love someone, tell them “i love you.” fear is terrible. time flies. grab every moment.’

:’) wise words for all.”

“my fave elderly customer came in today. his presence already makes me so happy, but instead of just leaving a tip at the table, he drops $1 in the “Barista Teeth Whitening Fund” (tip jar) & says, “a little something for the kitty at home.” :’) ENDEARING!!!! made my day.”

Hm, I think there’s a theme: endearing & elderly customers make me so heppies. Happy Monday, blogosphere.

rainy sunday.

On this rainy Sunday, I can’t help feeling mixed emotions. I’m elated about another successful Serve the City LA via Facebook. I’m sad that I couldn’t participate in STC this year. I’m also excited for the mission teams that my church has sent all over the world: Cambodia, Spain, Japan. Praying for you guys.

But I’ve linked this video on my blog today because I’m also sad about Will Gray’s passing this past Friday. Shown on Easter Sunday 2013 at all the services at my church, this video had me crying but yet so hopeful. Rest in peace, Will — I knew your quote was in my update testimony for a reason.

Please pray for the Gray family.

Pray for Will & Angie Gray from jams 90025 on Vimeo.